Bloke goes home from the pub and says to his wife, 'They reckon up the pub that the milkman's had every woman in this street except one?'
His wife says 'Yeah, I bet it's that stuck-up cow at number 37?!'

Two dogs are at a vet's, and one's looking glum. The other one says "Why are you here?" And he says, "Well, yesterday my master left me in the flat alone for hours – and I was taken short, wasn't I? I went everywhere; on his bed, on the Afghan carpet, on the kitchen floor, everywhere. So he's bought me here to have me put down." The other one says "I'm not surprised you're looking glum!" So his new friend says, "So why are you here?"
"Well, last night I saw my mistress in a baby-doll nightdress bending over the oven and I couldn't resist it, could I? I went and got the old leg-over."
"So she's sent you here to have you put down too?" "No, she's bought me here to have my nails trimmed."

A bloke from Liverpool comes home to find his wife in tears, "Wharra marra then?"
"It's the kids, they never stop swurring! Swurr, swurr, swurr – that's all they ever do!"
So the scouser says "I can see you're oopset! Well, you stay in bed in the morning and I'll bring you oop a nice cuppa tea. And then I'll go down and sort 'em out."
So the next morning the he goes down to find the two boys – one, nine, one eleven – and he says to the oldest one, "Wharra yer want for breakfast son?" And the boys says "I'll 'ave a fuckin' egg!"
Bang, crash, wallop as the scouser knock seven bags of shite out of the lad, leaving him snivelling in a corner. "And what do you want for your breakfast son?" and the youngest replies -"Well I won' be 'aving a fuckin' egg for a start!"

An octopus walks into a bar and says ‘I can play ANY instrument you like. English bloke gives him a guitar, and he plays it better than Hendrix. Irishman shows him to a piano and he plays it with all six tentacles, better than Liberace.
Finally a Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman says ‘What’s tha matter, can ye no play it?’
The octopus replies ‘Play it? I’m gonna fuck her brains out once I get her pajamas off!’

A woman who found that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
Vet told the woman if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some Nair Hair Remover and rub in it's ears once a month.
So, the woman goes to the drug store to get some Nair. At the counter the pharmacist tells her 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.' The lady says 'I'm not using it under my arms.' The pharmacist says 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.'
The lady says 'I'm not using it on my legs either, -and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer.' The pharmacist says 'Alright then, stay off your bike for a week.'

Four soldiers are captured in Iraq, an Englishman, and Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman.
They face the firing squad but are told they can have one final wish.
They ask the Welshman, and he says 'I'd like to hear the sound of a thousand Welshmen singing 'Land Of Our Fathers.'
They ask the Irishman and he says 'I'd like to hear the sound of a thousand Irish feet dancing to The Riverdance'
They ask the Scotsman for his final wish and he says 'I'd like to hear a thousand Scots pipers playing 'Scotland The Brave.'
Finally they ask what the Englishman's final wish will be and he says 'Shoot me first!'

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather hopefully.
'Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently,' she responded.
The old guy paused... then he asked, 'Was that one word or two?'.

Bloke goes for a job at a blacksmiths and they ask him if he's ever done any horse-shoeing, and the bloke says no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off?!

A young couple are smooching in a car in a quiet country lane and start getting a bit fruity. 'Lets get in the back' the fellow says' and the woman says 'I won't.' 'Come on lets get in the back' he says after a few more minutes, to which she replies 'No'. He says 'Why not?' and she says 'cause I want to stay here in the front with you'!

Back in the Eighteenth Century a gentleman is taking his young lady for a romantic jaunt on his horse and trap, on a sunny day into the country. They hadn't gone but a few miles and were making genteel and pleasant small talk, when the horse lets rip with an SBD (silent but deadly) fart of unimaginable stench.
The chap tries to distract his young lady' attention by commenting on the shape of the hills to the left, hoping to divert her attention and her sensitive nostrils.
She seemed unaffected, but just a a mile or so later, it happens again, another real stonker and the fumes are rank. This time the chap remarks at the birds high on the wing to their right, whilst waving his glove in front of them due to "the warm weather we've been receiving of late."
Finally, no more than a mile further on, and the horse this time does a real rip-snorter that not only stinks but makes a loud trumpet noise, and the poor fellow, thinking it best to fess-up, says "I'm so very sorry about this, I really must apologise" to which the woman replies, "That's okay, I thought it was the horse?"